Twilight- The Gifts of Time and Friendship

Delicately strung between daylight and darkness
Unfolding beauty, boldness, and grace
Have you ever seen eyes blink hopeful?
Or heard words burst forth as glee?
Have you embraced warmth and been nurtured?
And cried tears upon bidding farewell?

I am thankful for friendships, choices, and chances. The universe is in and around and upon us. Thank stars we are never alone.

twilight

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind,
nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence,
as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

-Kahlil Gibran

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Soften- The Practice Of Self-Compassion

What if
I could lay down my weapons
Drawn in response to fear
And shame
And the notion
Of never being dear

What if
I could link my heart and hand
Open with welcome
And love
And the awareness
Of being home

What if
I could soften into myself
When life seems uncertain
And sit
With discomfort
The way I would with a friend

What if

Brené Brown on Self-compassion
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Constellation – Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day

Striking out from the darkness of space
A diamond-hued flicker
Astronomical scintillation

You were stardust, baby
Here for just a moment
And my, how your heart twinkled

There’s a force on my shoulders
And a crack running clean-through my life
I remember you. I remember you.
Constellation

This photo is from 7 weeks. It’s the last time we knew she was healthy and on the way. The last time we felt a guarded hope. I didn’t take home the photos from my final ultrasound. The one showing head and shoulders, arms and elbows. The one revealing the stillness of her chest. I am haunted by the memory of that final ultrasound. The movements of the midwife. The look on Steve’s face. The way his heart crashed to the floor with a shattering silence. I am haunted by my vacancy. How without effort I cocooned myself in numbness, delaying waves of grief that would later shake my life.

This is Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7pm, in all timezones, worldwide, you’re invited to light a candle. Let it burn for one hour. Help create a Wave Of Light in remembrance of all gone too soon. Remember me and Lillian, our very-wanted girl, lost to Turner Syndrome at 11 weeks gestation. Thank you.

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Evidence Of Longing

We’d tried for over three years
Then entered an improbable space
Twice we saw her heartbeat
Once we saw her still
It took me awhile to cry

Three years later
To mark the learning of her demise
The cloth which covers my heart
Has slipped
All the grief is spilling out

I can say what I know of pain
How it has changed my life
To learn to accept that which
Just cannot have happened
How could this have happened?

Being pushed continually to my knees
By waves so tall and wide and blue
Is an honor
Truly, I love and need and want greatly
My never-over-her is testament to that

Lillian's Butterfly

Tonight’s post was inspired by the Write ALM prompt, lullaby. I tried to write this morning and couldn’t find anything but tears. Tonight, though, I am sharing a song which brings comfort.

Snapshots Of Gratitude

Gratitude collage- Fall color

I’m grateful for cool air and Autumn color, gentle rain, a warm house, the love of my pets and family, and coffee time with Steve.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
― Melody Beattie

Ritual – Honoring Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Evening falls. Shadows creep from corners. Stillness hovers over home and mind. It’s easier to grieve in darkness.

Hurricanes are lifted. Taper wicks are trimmed. The hiss of the lighter breaks the silence. Flames flicker and dance.

butterfly and candle for pregnancy loss awareness

The mantel is aglow. My heart answers. Warmth reaches into the quiet.

The ritual of October resides above my hearth. Mourning is met with compassion. Grief needn’t be carried alone.

October is Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Month. Learn how to participate in next week’s Wave Of Light by clicking here.

 

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Exhale

There is a ceasing of motion,
A clinging to life
Out here on the trail
Once again,
It slipped my mind
Audibly
Exhale
A Black Bear and cub on the side of the hiking trailA few evenings ago, we cut our hike short when we spotted a Black Bear and cub less than 200 yards off our trail. It was my first wild bear encounter from outside my car. I felt so exposed. So alive. So afraid. I am glad my experienced, mountain-man husband was with me. He guided a runner and I to safety. Left to my own instincts, I would have run. As the bear made her way down to the trail, we walked slowly away. Those were the most counterintuitive steps of my life. I am grateful to have had this experience, this reframing of nature, and the resulting profound respect for wildlife.

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Between The Covers- My Writing Journals

In the past year I’ve developed a daily writing practice. Today I want to tell you about my journals.
My three journals for daily writing practice My first journal was a gift, and had sat on a bookshelf in three different houses, collecting dust year after year. It’s brown, with “Journal” stamped on the cover, gold-leafed edges, and a satin ribbon bookmark. It seemed too precious to use, and it was hard to take a pen to it! “I am afraid” were the first words written, in pink ink, on a slick, cream page. It took me five months and two days to fill.

My second journal was a gift as well. It’s a black Moleskine with an elastic closure. There’s a pocket in the back which remains empty. In seven months I am only half-way through the pages. This journal has smaller spacing than the first, and thinner paper. I’m unsure if I’ll continue writing in it, because…

I’ve now been writing for a year, and today I chose a new journal to celebrate that accomplishment. I went to The Tattered Cover and perused the shelves for an hour, at which point I had a lineup of five contenders. In the end, I chose a soft brown notebook with “Journal” stamped on the cover. It has creamy pages and a satin ribbon bookmark. I am excited to continue my daily writing journey within.

Today’s post was inspired by the Write Alm prompt, cyclical. You can find October writing prompts by clicking the button below.
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