When I woke this morning, I reached for my phone, knowing already that you had gone.
I curled up in bed, sharing words with our friends, and let my tears soak the pillow.
I pulled on my old bathrobe and moved to the window.
I lifted the shade and waited for The Hidden Star.
As She rose, I spoke:
Come on up
And catch me square in the face
Bring your light
To chase away shadows
Make me blink
Unable to glimpse your full beauty
Warm up my life
My friend Alethea flew away last night. Her light remains.
My friend Alethea has been bravely facing Metastatic Melanoma for over six months. She entered hospice care this week and is still laughing and sharing her zest for life. What a gift it is, to love someone who loves life so much! By knowing Alethea, I have learned about gratitude, resilience, and choosing joy. I am eternally grateful for our friendship.
Delicately strung between daylight and darkness
Unfolding beauty, boldness, and grace
Have you ever seen eyes blink hopeful?
Or heard words burst forth as glee?
Have you embraced warmth and been nurtured?
And cried tears upon bidding farewell?
I am thankful for friendships, choices, and chances. The universe is in and around and upon us. Thank stars we are never alone.
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind,
nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence,
as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
Striking out from the darkness of space
A diamond-hued flicker
You were stardust, baby
Here for just a moment
And my, how your heart twinkled
There’s a force on my shoulders
And a crack running clean-through my life
I remember you. I remember you.
This photo is from 7 weeks. It’s the last time we knew she was healthy and on the way. The last time we felt a guarded hope. I didn’t take home the photos from my final ultrasound. The one showing head and shoulders, arms and elbows. The one revealing the stillness of her chest. I am haunted by the memory of that final ultrasound. The movements of the midwife. The look on Steve’s face. The way his heart crashed to the floor with a shattering silence. I am haunted by my vacancy. How without effort I cocooned myself in numbness, delaying waves of grief that would later shake my life.
This is Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7pm, in all timezones, worldwide, you’re invited to light a candle. Let it burn for one hour. Help create a Wave Of Light in remembrance of all gone too soon. Remember me and Lillian, our very-wanted girl, lost to Turner Syndrome at 11 weeks gestation. Thank you.
I’m grateful for cool air and Autumn color, gentle rain, a warm house, the love of my pets and family, and coffee time with Steve.
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
― Melody Beattie