Slow Recovery- My post for National Infertility Awareness Week
This is an angry post. This is me writing about my unresolved dreams, my wasted time, money, effort, and emotion. This is me not yet coming to terms with not having control of my reproduction. You can’t MAKE a disease go away. You can’t MAKE sperm appear.
I have never spent so much time fighting envy, avoiding people, or numbing myself against pain as I have since ending my trying to conceive journey. I keep wondering when all that will wear off. I long for when I turn back into the person I used to be, years ago, before the injections, iui catheters, frazzled nerves, and that crushing hope/letdown cycle. Deep inside, I know I will never be that woman again. Someone new is coming.
The healing is delayed, or perhaps my progress is just so slow I’m unaware of it. I’m frustrated. I can’t control my grief any better than my ovaries. I didn’t foresee that.
When we decided to stop trying to grow our family, we talked about how we could put our resources into other places. We talked about the things we could do if we focused on other interests. Yet as we walk this path there is a lingering emptiness, a relentless sense of loss.
I wish I could go back. Back to a time when I was content with the family I had. Back before we saw doctors, signed papers, gave samples, took medications, spent half of every month preparing and half of every month waiting. I want it back. I want myself back.
If there’s one thing I want people to be aware of during National Infertility Awareness Week, it’s that everyone’s journey is different. We don’t all end up where we want to be. Many of us are left in this odd place, bereft of resolution. We face a new road ahead of us- one of recovery.
You can learn about infertility, and it’s causes, here http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/
You can learn more about NIAW here- http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html