I’m tired tonight. Today’s writing consisted of three panicky sentences in my journal, and one angry poem on my blog. Surely I can pull something else out of this brain for today’s Write Alm prompt? I’ll try.
Familiar phrases are resetting. As recently as October, I was awash in self-loathing. That’s not easy to type, but it’s honest. I’ve been fighting a vicious battle with shame over the past six months. The winner was to get me. All of me. And I am Angie Victorious.
I used to often huff “I can’t DO life!” with exasperation. My kind husband has heard this phrase too many times to count, but I bet he could tell you he’s not heard it in months. And I bet he’d say that is a relief!
Common phrases these days are many. I have a myriad of mantras I use to propel myself forward. I’ll list some here;
Remember why you started
Come along, Fear
Do more of what matters
The thing about mantras is they have to fit. I don’t think they are something anyone can give you. Mine sprung up organically, during times of self-reflection and pointed re-programming. I flipped my broken records. I turned my cassettes to Side B. When I began familiar ruminating, self-shaming, and unkindness, I cocked my head and listened for another voice. My voice. The pure voice of me that wasn’t inflicted by pain or abuse. I can tell my voice by its softness. It validates me and speaks compassionately, as opposed to shame’s voice, which berates and belittles.
We all have a pure voice, I’m sure. It sits in our brains between hope and intention. Sometimes it gets filtered by hard circumstances, and the shields we use to try to protect ourselves. I think we can re-learn it, though, by seeking personal truth. No one wants to treat themselves badly, but it is an easy habit to establish, especially in a society that has a skewed sense of strength and weakness.
When hard times fall, and oh do they fall, I close my eyes and inhale deeply. I listen for the voice which offers to hold me, the one who truly cares. It is me. I’m becoming more familiar with me.
*Let’s throw some words around! January Write Alm prompts are up! Respond as inspired! http://writealm.com/january-prompt-a-day/