Shame: The Non-Motivator
I feel perpetually behind, hyperaware of the not-done, focused on the lack, and aching to be free. I need to finish up an e-course and a book for a local club. The upstairs shower is half-tiled and there’s a work station to be built downstairs.
I want to take my writing up a notch. I want to host parties on the finished patio (current clutter collector) next to the established garden (yet to be tilled). I want to soak in a water-tight tub at the end of the day.
I am feeling that sense of urgency which is fueled by panic and lack of acceptance. I’m afraid to let go of “not enough.” What if shame is the boot in my ass? The kick-start? The way to get it done?
Haven’t I learned about this in my e-courses on vulnerability, my group classes on shame resilience, the lectures on worthiness, and the books on self-compassion? Shouldn’t I know by now that self-criticism keeps me stuck? Can’t I let it go?
I believe the come-back to berating and shaming myself as inspirational tools is, “well, how’s that working for you?” And you know it’s not. As I look around me, I know that beating myself up isn’t the catalyst I’ve always believed. I sit amongst half-finished projects. And I feel like a failure.
The projects will still be half-finished if I quit hating on myself. And I’ll still wish they were done. The difference is, by practicing self-compassion, I’ll be healing my heart, rather than harming it.