Monday Mantra – Deconstructing Harmful Beliefs (Shame)
“This place is a mess. It should be clean. Why can’t I get it clean? I’m home all the time, so why isn’t it clean? I am lazy and incompetent. I suck at homemaking. I suck at life.”
Readers, how did that make you feel, to read what went through my head this morning? Did you wince at the judgement? Recognize the shame? Did you relate?
Mondays are a good time to revisit intentions. Intentions are value-based. I value a healthy life, full of communication and connection. To support that value, I am committed to shame resilience.
The shame messages in my head sound like me, but it’s important to know that shame begins outside of us, usually early on. Think parents and teachers (no judgement, parents and teachers! I am a parent and was a teacher and a para, and I KNOW most of us are doing our best!). Later in life, we have lovers and partners, and ex-lovers and ex-partners, who add shame stories to our loop. We also have bosses and friends, and ex-friends and enemies, and let’s not forget we live under an umbrella of cultural myths, societal norms, and media lies. We’re fucked!
Except we aren’t.
Once we learn what shame is (the painful feeling of being unworthy of love and belonging) we can begin to recognize it in our internal dialogues, and start breaking it down. One way I am building shame resilience is by being willing to work at deconstructing faulty thinking and harmful beliefs (i.e. shame messages).
A messy kitchen is a shame trigger for me, but this voice in my head about sucking at life because my kitchen is messy didn’t come from me. Where did it come from? A few places, including several T.V. shows. When I realize “I suck” isn’t something I came up with, it opens the possibility for healing. There is now a chance that this message isn’t true. There’s now an opportunity for me to believe something different, something healthier, something like…
“Wowza! The kitchen is a mess. We cooked a great meal last night, and relaxed afterward. We chose playing over cleaning. I might need some help getting this cleaned up today.”
Oh my stars! That narrative feels loads better in my brain and body! I just took a deep breath, and I let it out again! Amazing!
I am committed to a shame-resilient life, full of communication and connection. I choose to tune into the shame messages that keep me from living my values. I am willing to deconstruct my faulty thinking and harmful beliefs, today, and every day.
Thanks for reading. I’m always willing to discuss shame with you, and hold space with you, as we work to build resilience. <3